BEST DAY EVER! {Happy Birthday Travis}

Happy 30th Birthday to my husband, Travis.

It’s hard to pin down exactly what thirty looks like. I’m not even sure what I’d imagined being picturesque.

This morning when the beauties and I rolled out of bed, half dressed and barely awake, and slugged our way to the vehicle, got in and then followed Travis’ truck down the road…

I kept thinking to myself, is this thirty? (and then I thought, where is my coffee!?!?!)

When all five of us fell out of the vehicle, yawning and mostly complaining, Travis (awake and dressed for work) held the door with a smile as we trekked into Krispy Kreme.

After we ordered, scooted two tables together (and everyone was shot awake by the sound of ‘nails on chalkboard’ as the table legs challenged the floor), and got everyone seated (along with 24 fights as to who got the closest seat next to Travis), I still wondered is this thirty?

It wasn’t until I stood, heightened to take in the scene of our family, our daughters gathered around Travis that I realized how beautiful 30 is. Cementing further what a privilege it is to age.

Even though the life we’ve made together is loud and chaotic, I stood there, wrapped in a moment without sound. I was motionless, watching as Travis looked up at me and grinned—a small pull at the corners of his mouth that said, “I love my life…”

The smile on his face crawled all the way up into his eyes, giving them a mesmerizing glow.

In return, I couldn’t help but dive for the cheesiest grin ever to give back to him.


Travis is happiness, because he’s mastered how to choose to seek it on a constant.

Better, he leads others to happiness.


Even when all four, okay five women in his life are complaining, inhaling doughnuts (which means stealing his birthday ones), talking about going back home to go back to sleep (and he has to go into work)…he is there, smiling and kissing me and each one of our daughter’s heads, telling us to have the best day and we all leave sugar drunk in love with him.

No matter what decade of his life we’re living–30’s, 40’s, 70’s…I know he will make it fun and it will be the picture it’s always meant to be—happiness, joy, and delight.

God Bless this man of mine.

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Now, I’ve got to get off this computer and start decorating for the most epic of epic 30th birthday bashes tonight!!! #RAD

Loves,

—Sarah

Scary Mommy

Yes, I am scary.

And maybe a pinch insane…


Scary, Batty Mama…

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Most of the time, the picture above is what I feel like raising four daughters…(and this is what I usually look like before I stand next to wall and start banging my head into it several times thinking, “you just had to have a back rub, didn’t you?!  Sarah, we both (my sane and insane halves) know Brad Paisley sang it best, a back rub is never just a back rub.

Needless to say, I question my sanity daily and here are a few examples:

**When Bella (my two-year old) unscrews the cap of my expensive moisturizer and manages to smear its entire contents over my make-up contouring powder palette.  Who knows, maybe she is a prodigy? I think I even saw a monarch butterfly in her masterpiece, of course after I yelled, threw a small tantrum, and probably told Travis, “Why?! Why is it always MY stuff?”

Of course, nobody messes with his hair gel, or his cologne.

And maybe, when her famous artwork hangs in the Louvre, I will choose not to remember being mad about her using all my make-up as her first medium.

**When you realize that five year old girls have ‘I have nothing to wear’ days too.  These days always fall on ‘running late’ mornings too.  I mean, really?  Who is my five year old trying to impress?  I pick out a dozen outfits and to her displeasure, they are all hideous–her words not mine.  Lord, help me.

Who knows, maybe she is the next fashion designer?  And when her future creations become trends, I will forget all those mornings that she played ‘Miranda Priestly’ and I was dubbed Anne Hathaway’s unfashionable character from the movie ‘The Devil Wears Prada’.

And she’ll forget all those mornings I held her down, by sitting on her, and proceeded to dress her like a flailing infant, of course this is what happened after she’s refused my twelve dozen outfit choices. Ain’t nobody have time for that, sorry kid.

***When you try to figure out where you took the wrongest turn ever in parenting, after your nine year old tells you, and I quote, “You don’t know my life, MOM!”

I might have hysterically laughed in her face thinking to myself, “believe me daughter, you don’t know my life!!!!”


“Mothers are all slightly insane.” –J.D. Salinger


Seek laughter, friends.  (it’s okay if you have a meltdown first and then call a friend and laugh about how the small maniacs in your house are driving you into the land of the loonies)

Mamas are survivors–remember on those scary, batty mama days that you. have. got. this!

Loves,

–Sarah

 

 

 

It Is Your Choice, Always.

 

Two sick kids, a spirited (<—we use this word, because it sounds better than crazy) toddler, and one stressed mom= the time of my life.

To give myself a fighting chance for dominating the day, I threw back, or more or less chugged two, five, I mean who’s counting, cups of coffee and proceeded to load up three of the four beauties (my oldest got a raincheck on the morning chaos by not managing to lick the same cup as her sisters, which sent her to school rather than the doctor’s office) and burned rubber to get our tails down to the Dr.’s office.

I’m sitting in the waiting area, while Anabella (the spirited two-year old) proceeds to usher out her two new favorite words.

“Shut up.”

My face is in knots, fiercely trying not to laugh, because that would be irresponsible.  But I don’t care who you are, a little two-year old glaring at you saying, “shut up!” is funny.

In truth, her love of the words ‘shut up’ is totally my fault.  I take full blame, just not in public.

Our dog is a barker.  Like barks when mere dust particles hit the ground.  And a mama can only take so much, so yeah–I occasionally yell, “shut up” to our dog, who’s at the top of the stairs barking at dust, or ghosts.  He needs therapy.

While I’m trying to find the closest ‘time out’ spot, I’m wracked with complete and udder insecurity.  The room is getting smaller as I wonder if every mom in the vicinity (four to be exact) is judging me.  My nomination for Mother of the Year is in the toilet.  I can feel it.

My stern voice cracks while a slew of redirections, excuses, and attempts at verbal discipline spew out of my mouth towards my two year old…   “No, Bella.  We don’t say that.  I guess we can thank your uncle for that.  He doesn’t have kids, so yeah…he says shut up all the time!  You know kids, they repeat everything. Ugh!” This is what I say out loud to no one in general, in the middle of the waiting area. (Thanks for taking one for the team, albeit unknowingly, brother–love you!)

When no other mom laughs, or stops my verbal slew of completely false excuses, I stop, drop, and roll with my imagination.  In other words, I start to imagine their kids saying shut up too–because I’m mature.  Nevertheless, this causes me to laugh, realizing that it will be okay.

I still have plenty of years, I pray, to make sure Anabella doesn’t end up as a horrible human being that tells everyone to shut up, including her boss, and ends up fired and on the street homeless because she can’t pay her bills, and doesn’t call me because she doesn’t want to disappoint me…<—okay that runaway train of thought is what makes me honestly believe I might be a little BCC aka Bat Crap Crazy.

I mean, how do we mother’s survive the enormous amount of pressure to ensure the next generation’s success? (the answer is prayer…and wine and chocolate…)

Even I’m wondering where I’m going with this, but I have a point or plot, or something…back to it…I’m still at the Dr’s office and my phone buzzes, if I didn’t have his number saved I wouldn’t recognize it, nor answer it, but I saved it—the last time he called nearly six months ago.

I blink so hard, looking down at my phone debating, I’m shocked my eyelids don’t knock my contact lenses clean off my eyeballs.

In a way that catches me completely off guard, I’m overcome with steep emotion. If I answer his call I’ll burst into tears and I cannot have a complete meltdown, doing the ugly-yelling-why-cry, in the middle of the waiting area with a toddler who’s busy telling me and her sisters to shut up from her little body crouched in time out.  I mean someone’s likely to call dhs at that scene.

So I decline the call and stuff those emotions far down in the pit of my gut—I mean my six pack, and move on.

I go through the rest of my afternoon, feeding the beauties lunch, picking up meds, and sprite, all the while willing myself to listen to the voicemail.  I think I called five people to let them know the beauties had strep, just to distract myself from that dang phone call and the voicemail haunting me.

Here’s where this gets long…and raw and probably over sharing, but we’re friends…if we’re not, abort now!  Go search yahoo news stories…

So glad you stayed bestie…

My mother once said to me, “just because you come from a horrible background does not give you the right to be a horrible person.” This was profound to me, and I think I was twelve trying to dissect the magnitude of that simple statement—one I’ve carried with me like my favorite, out-dated turquoise drop earrings into adulthood.

I didn’t have the rationale or life experience at twelve, or even twenty to realize how that statement could positively serve me in real life situations. I’d come to know it more around my quarter of a century mark.  The age where you have just enough life experience to be dangerous, and usually not enough suffering to understand that you cannot control others (I’m still learning through failed attempts that my husband will still not jump when I tell him too, my goal is that he will succumb when he’s forty, and I’ve thoroughly broken him down—think mid-life crisis.).

Basically when I stripped my mother’s statement down, it meant that my past doesn’t affect my future unless I give it the power to (unless you do something terrible that involves the law—that’s a no, no). Back to my point or plot, or something…there have been countless times that I have let my emotions define my choices when it involved family, even friends.

I’ve tried to walk the open road, the act of defiance, the total shut you out, and even bought a one-way ticket on the gossip train to rip down friends, or family members. But none of those experiences ever gave me closure, healed my heart, or pacified my angry emotions about the situation, instead they gave me hundred pound gunny sacks on my back, lead weights to carry around and I’m here to tell you, I’m too weak for the army (even though, like I mentioned earlier, I have a six pack, okay laugh with me at my hopeful thinking..it. could. still. happen. after. four. pregnancies).

The main example: I carried the weight of my dad’s disappearance from my life for many years, and it was like an ugly mask I kept hidden, until I didn’t—usually when I felt my husband had failed me in some way, whether big or small. It was almost like he could hear the crescendo signifying the horror in horror films as I slipped this intangible ugly thing over my head and went twenty shades of crazy on him. (that means I calmly explained my emotional distress and my husband instantly apologized and we lived happily ever after–in the land of this blog, no one really acts like a crazed idiot)

That phone call was him, my dad. I listened to his voicemail, heard his aging voice, and summoned the courage and called him back.  After thirty minutes, rounds of “sissy this”, “sissy that”, “I love you too Dad”, we hung up.  My dad and I either go years, or six months before we talk.  The ugly truth is he checked out of parenthood not long after my parents divorced. I was twelve. The effects of divorce varies for every child, but for me its effect was resentment and living in a perpetual existence of fight or flight.

My mother raised three children on her own, most of that time in the toughest years of adolescence—one word, teenagers. And I resent my dad for choosing to make her bear that entire weight, but it’s not my place to punish him—he will answer someday for his own choices, same way I will own my own.

But I didn’t always feel that way.  For years after my parents’ divorce and into adulthood, I wrote my dad several letters, ranging from failing me, still loving and needing him, questions upon questions about why he doesn’t care, passages proclaiming my unrelenting hate for him, you name it, I probably wrote it to him. (I might of even said that I’d undergo plastic surgery so any features that reflected him no longer did, a little extreme? Yes, those where my angst years—we’ve all had them.)

This is why I cringe when the term…”daddy issues” is carelessly hurled at women. No child should ever feel the weight of being abandoned, nor should their mistakes be labeled upon a choice they could not control (not having an involved parent)—every child deserves to be loved by both parents for their whole life…that’s my unwavering belief.

It wasn’t until I saw my dad in person, after an eight year no-sight span, that I would understand how I wanted to handle the hurt that lived in me. He will always be who he is.

It is not my fault—as a child, I never drove him to take the exit—but as an adult, it’s now my choice to let it continue to hurt me.

Is he a terrible person? No, he’s a good citizen…but fatherhood just isn’t his strong suit. I don’t have to see his non-calls versus those calls once a year unhinge me. I choose to answer the phone, laugh at his antics, and maybe roll my eyes when he talks about things I know won’t last, but that’s who he is and I am not a lesser person because of it.

If he came to Oklahoma, I’d invite him to dinner, feed him, hug him, and know that is the kind of person I want to be. I want to not let other’s actions keep me from making the most out of what is given with family. Rising above, or a servant’s heart—this is our calling as family.

That is what I believe we are called to do, dropping our defensive armor that we wear in self-preservation against this chaotic world, to accept our family for who they are. As earnest as our flesh may claim us to be, we are never in a position to stand and judge one another. And because you practice tolerance doesn’t make you lesser of a person either. We are not mightier than thou, and because you forgive doesn’t mean that your hurt was unjustified, or that it didn’t happen, or that you are somehow not as strong of a person for not having the tenacity to let your anger, or hurt outlive you.

Tolerance and forgiveness mean you are not willing to swim back and forth in a pool of anger and negative emotions that comes with ugly situations.

Yes, it will probably always hurt a little (the way it makes me almost cry every time he calls) that my dad choose to be uninvolved when I needed him most, but I survived.  It’s the past, I can’t change it.  I can’t force him now, I don’t control him.  I control me and I refuse to let his choices define my life, or seek to punish him.  I seek to show him love, forgiveness, and compassion, regardless of what he did or didn’t give me.  That is who I want to be.

If we all gave an eye for an eye, we’d already all be in hell.  Be the light, barer of second chances.

I choose to live in the happiness I’ve gathered from my experiences than to wither in the negative. (So I’ve been known to come off a little preachy, don’t worry…I say $#^% when I drop something on my toe, love a shot of tequila, and make inappropriate jokes that would make my mom cringe, but I love fiercely and believe God and family is the center of the universe.)

I am not perfect, I have struggles, still make poor choices, live with hurts that will probably always sting, but I choose to be my advocate, to learn and then acknowledge my limits and yet still let my heart beat outside the lines—it’s what keeps me loving without checks and balances and what I hope keeps people loving me.

If your dad pursues fatherhood with a fierce will of greatness, who eagerly seeks to build a legacy you can stand upon, who strives to be there–period…squeeze his neck, kiss his cheek, tell him today that you love him and know that he is exceptional—because not everyone chooses that path.  And if you have a dad, who hasn’t always stayed the ‘fatherhood greatness’ course, or attempted and failed, or just plain never showed up–love him anyway.  Show him that regardless, you still got all the best parts of him.


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Everything is a choice.

I choose love in spite of hurt.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and realize the prisoner was you.”

Loves,

-Sarah